Hansel and GretelFFVIII Version
by quartz cuboid
Summary: [FINISHED]Hansel and Gretel-the FFVIII version! I got this idea from a dream I had...


Kibou no Tenshi Hey, I was bored, ok? So I created a new fanfic because I've been thinking since I was a real FFVIII fan, why not I write a fanfic about it? But, I didn't know what to write… and then I had this dream and it gave me inspiration somehow…anyway, just read! 

Disclaimer: I don't own FFVIII, no matter how much I want to.

Hansel and Gretel-FFVIII Version By Kibou no Tenshi 

Once upon a time, there was a small clearing, near a forest, which was around the little town of Balamb, there was a family of four. There was a papa, who was a woodcutter, named Cid, his wife who was named Adel and two little children called Squall and Rinoa. The wife of the woodcutter was the children's stepmother, and she hated them because Rinoa was way sexier than her and Squall never respected her. 

Now, wood wasn't the trend around Balamb, and not many people needed wood as there were better materials out there, so his earnings weren't much. And just as luck would have it, two peeps who were Seifer's followers called Fujin and Raijin invaded the town and the Captain, who was Raijin, being the always hungry fat pig as he was, demanded all of the citizen's food supplies and a there was a great famine through the town. Since they were poor and the prices of food had gone up drastically, with what little money they had and with four people to feed, there wasn't enough food for everyone. Cid worried day and night for what they had to eat.

Now, Adel knew about this and she devised a plan to get rid of poor Squall and Rinoa. She told her husband," I don't care whether you love the children or not, but I demand that you forsake them in the forest tomorrow and leave them at the part where the hungry Caterchipillers roam. And remember, I HAVE THE FINAL SAY SO YOU BETTER AGREE WITH ME BEFORE I WHACK YOU SO HARD THAT YOU'LL BE WHIMPERING IN FEAR!!! I AM A SOCERESS!!!" Cid immediately whimpered in a tiny corner of the house," Okay…(devious bitch)" Adel had a keen sense of hearing, and she heard what Cid said and thrashed him up. 

Now, very coincidentally, little Squall was in the toilet, and the toilet was near the place where his parents were conversing. He heard everything while he was shiting [Is there such a word? But you should get me], and said to himself," Oh, so the dweebs are planning to ditch Rinoa and me in the forest and get eaten. I must inform Rinoa AT ONCE!!! With that, Squall ran out of the toilet, without wiping his ass, and swiftly he wore his pants and flushed the toilet bowl. He pushed open the door with such force that Adel, who was standing in front of the door, laughing evilly, was knocked down and out. He ran to Rinoa and cried out," Our parents are going to ditch us in the forest tomorrow! What shall we do?" Rinoa, who was looking at a picture of a handsome man, said," Who cares?" Seeing that his sister was ogling at a picture and did not really catch what he had said, he concocted an idea and when the house was silent, he ran all the closets and took all the things he could find at home, excluding underwear.

The next day, before dawn, Adel woke the children and hollered," GET YO ASSES OUT OF YOUR SMELLY BEDS! WE ARE GOING TO CUT WOOD, DUMBASSES!" And if Rinoa, the sensible one (but not so wise, unfortunately) had not asked," Where?" they would not have gotten themselves brunt and roasted black by two "Firaga" spells that Adel had cast. "Here is a condom…" Adel started, but Squall had to say," What use will a condom be to us in the forest?" and they got frozen by two "Blizzarga" spells by their stepmother. After they were defrosted, their stepmother continued," JUST SHUT UP AND DO WHATEVER I TELL YOU TO DO! And here's a piece of stale bread that was left for two days. I shouldn't actually be wasting bread by giving to impertinent fools who don't know how to cherish whatever shit that is given to them." 

Then they set off for the forest, with Squall and Rinoa lagging behind and getting whipped every second by Adel. Rinoa said nothing, and carried their bread and the useless condom, while Squall threw everything he had taken in the house on the ground. Finally, Cid could not stand it and yelled at one of the two laggers," Squall, hurry up! What's keeping you?"

"Oh, I can't bear to look at Rinoa's sexy figure, and I don't want to spoil my virgin eyes, so I'm looking behind." Squall answered, quite bluntly. Rinoa giggled, not knowing that wasn't the truth and his stepmother got angry and slapped him. "Hurry up, you retards!" Adel shrieked and stormed past their father furiously. 

When they reached the place Adel was talking about, their father made a fire. Then the stepmother said," You had better wait here before I sell you two for prostitution services. We will come and get you." 

The fire kept away the Caterchipillers and feeling comforted, Squall and Rinoa dumped the condom around the woods and fell asleep, with Squall snoring and drooling, and with Rinoa talking in her sleep," Oh, tee hee…I didn't know you loved me…" When Squall awoke, he found Rinoa squealing in her sleep and gave her a push and a slap, which woke her. "What did you do that for? I've never done anything to you." Rinoa pouted. "Well, you didn't do anything for me either." Remarked Squall, looking at their surroundings. It was dark and the fire had gone out earlier. All was quiet except for a shrill whine from Rinoa," Oh Squall, I'm frightened."

 "Whatever."  And soon a tight slap landed on his cheek. They quarreled and quarreled so much that they didn't realise the moon had came out. Moonlight shone on the things Squall dropped and they glimmered in the moonlight. Squall took Rinoa by hand and led her home, following the trail of things. " Squall, it's not like I want to say this, but why are your pants brownish in colour?" Rinoa inquired. 

"Don't ask." 

At last the two children were home and they were outside the door, shivering with cold. When Squall pushed open the door, again the stepmother, who was dizzy with success, danced all the way to the door and got whammed by Squall again. Of course their father was so delighted that he hugged and kissed (or slobbered) them quite a load of times. But Adel was furious and displeased that her plan failed and said only one word," RAGE!!!" 

Adel concocted a plan as usual, and of course Cid didn't agree, but got knocked out by Adel. Squall was in the toilet, and he heard it too. "GOD! I must tell Rinoa!" He tried to get out, but to his dismay the door was stuck! And poor little Squall had to spend the dreary night in the dirty toilet…

When they set off the next day, Squall could not find anything to leave a trail, so he searched for the bread and started dropping breadcrumbs. Rinoa said that their only source of food was gone and slapped him. Along they went, with a trail of breadcrumbs behind them.  When evening came, Squall could not find the breadcrumbs as they all decomposed and provided nutrients for weeds along the ground. "Squall, we're dead!" Rinoa cried. "Whatever." Rinoa shook Squall and screamed," SQUALL LEONHART! ARE YOU STONED?" "Thanks Rinoa! Let's go!" Squall replied, dashing to the other side of the forest. Rinoa took off, screaming and huffing.

The next morning, they found a house made of all the sweet stuff you could find in this world. Without hesitation, they jumped on the house and started eating. Squall took care of the roof while Rinoa ate the windows. They ate and ate and ate, but their stomachs were never full. 

Then there was a voice of a scraggy old hag," Chomping, Chomping, like a propagator, which sluts are chomping at my house?" 

Squall said," Whatever," And Rinoa slapped him and quickly said," It's nothing. Oh, really." 

And they went on eating again and again. Suddenly, an old woman came out and was about to say something when she saw two kids munching at the house without a care and because of high blood pressure, she fell dead straight away. "Oh well, that old fart died." Said Squall, quite impudently. Rinoa saw a shadow coming out of the house, screaming profusely." Wretch, what happened?" When the shadow appeared, they realized that she wasn't very old after all. When she saw the children, she smiled, a genuine sweet smile and said, " Come in children, and warm your cold little bodies. OHOHOHOHOHO!" Squall muttered something that sounded like," I'm gonna get diabetes at this rate" But Rinoa said,"WHOO-HOO!!!"  

The lady introduced herself as Ultimecia and started a warm toasty fire for the children and gave them heaps of food which they finished by sweeping everything into Squall's mouth and went to the toilets to relieve themselves. " Why does your brother's urine smell so sweet?" Ultimecia asked. "Oh, he ate too much sweet stuff and the excess sugar in his body liquefies and comes out as urine." Rinoa answered, quite unconcerned. Soon they went to sleep in a room that was prepared for them. Actually Ultimecia was a woman who eats children who were fat. And Squall and Rinoa were so skinny that their ribs poked out, so she decided to fatten Squall up. 

The next morning Squall woke up to find himself in a cage. Then he said," Alas! Ultimecia, that b***h has betrayed me! I'm gonna kill her when I come out!" Suddenly, Rinoa was pushed roughly into the room and she saw Squall in the cage. "SQUALL!!! Ultimecia is a child eater! She's gonna eat you up after you are fattened!" Rinoa cried, quite whiny. "But I can never get fat as my metabolic rate is so high that all foods I eat are almost used up instantly." Squall shook the bars of the cage. Just then, Ultimecia walked in and said," OHOHOHOHOHO!!!! I'M GONNA EAT YOU UP!!! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!" 

"Well, you revealed the plot so early that we know what you're gonna do. No fun." Squall commented, grimacing. 

Ultimecia ignored him and gave Rinoa a plunger and commanded," NOW GO UNCLOG THE TOILET BOWL!!!" And so poor little Rinoa did all the housework, while Squall enjoyed the finest of foods and remained skinny still. Now, Ultimecia was poor-sighted, and she wanted to test Squall's fats, so she said, "Squall, stretch out your index finger." And Rinoa would grab a broom or mop and stick it between Squall and Ultimecia. "You don't have to do that, you know." Commented Squall. Rinoa just stuck out her tongue and continue her chores. Finally, Ultimecia could not stand it any longer and decided to devour Squall and get some nutrients anyway. 

Rinoa did not cry, but her tears flowed down when she saw the boiling pot of water in the cauldron and the fire burning in the oven. 

Ultimecia came and bellowed at Rinoa," WRETCH, CRAWL INTO THE OVEN AND WHETHER IT IS HOT ENOUGH." 

Rinoa, who was quite angry, suddenly said," Why should I do it for you? Go do it yourself." 

At this, Ultimecia's eyes glowed red and slapped Rinoa hard. Rinoa retaliated by whacking Ultimecia, and soon, a fight started. Finally, Rinoa pushed Ultimecia with all her might and Ultimecia fell into the oven, screaming," WHORE!!! SAY THAT YOU"RE SORRY!" "I'm sorry that you're ugly!" cried Rinoa triumphantly and ran to Squall's cage. "We're free! I killed Ultimecia." Rinoa exclaimed, unlocking Squall's cage and letting him out. "Well, I'm surprised that someone with your kind of brains can kill a toot like her." And a few moments after, there was a red hand mark on Squall's cheek. 

The children took every valuable thing in the house and ran out quickly, leaving the nightmare behind them. "Now what?" Rinoa pondered around, looking for a way." Go home. DUH!"  Squall ran to the other side of the forest again, with Rinoa behind him. 

[After 5 Hours]

"Okay, so the objective is to go home, but where IS home?!" Rinoa cried angrily, glaring at Squall. "Whatev-HEY! DAD!" Squall rushed over and saw his dad, walking like an old fart, searching high and low for his children. And at last, the father and his children were reunited! And Cid took them home, hugging them ever so tightly in his arms. When they reached home, they were informed that Adel had died of SARS when she was in another continent travelling. " WHOO-HOO!!!" Rinoa cried, jumping in the air. And so, just like other cheesy happy endings, they had a peaceful and comfortable life ever, with little incidents of mishaps. 

THE END

Kibou no Tenshi I can be sure this sucked…well, anyway, tell me whether I should write a romantic fanfic of FFVIII and if so, about what? Please review!


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